My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.