older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.