Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
mechanics be like
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me when someone tries to get to know me