Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
oppen heimer style lol
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff