animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A duv-egg? In this economy?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
an octopus is just a wet spider
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I feel it
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
socratic questions