Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go