I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”