Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
work smarter, not harder
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.