[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 馃槀
鈥淚T’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That鈥檚 an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don鈥檛 get to stab someone I will be sad.
When I鈥檇 go to church as a kid I鈥檇 always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
(Electricians.)
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When someone tailgates me I let them know I鈥檓 angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don鈥檛 even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.