*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
😏😏😏
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
lost dog
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs