Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.