{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.