If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.