if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Leonardo DiCaprisun
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
haha same
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!