Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
no regrets
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…