“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?