There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Incredible customer service.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Miscakes
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*