I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”