How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.