Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
This is true.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.