it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence