I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark