Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Did my cat write this
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?