I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*