All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.