[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.