Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
no one ever comes back
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
moms in horror movies
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical