When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
For those that worship cheese..
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.