My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.