lmaaaaaooooooooo
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.