Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
This will never not be funny 😭
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.