It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together