“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.