Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Trying
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Money is the root of all wealth
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.