Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am