Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
No, I don’t think I will.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money