WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.