“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”