HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.