People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.