Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day