We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
wut hotdog?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards