My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.