I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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