The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You Might Also Like
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
🤣🤣🤣
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.