What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
the clam before the storm
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.