There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
At least try to make it slightly believable
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running