Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Just a bush.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Happy Friday
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point