My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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me when i see my girls butt
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.