My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
🤭😂
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied